You're the human equivalent of fingernails on a chalkboard."

"Is this a private evil conspiracy, or can anyone join?"

"omni dominum in ducem dominorium, which is Latin for stick it in your ear."

Do you work this hard at being obnoxious, or does it come naturally?

It's a rare person who can follow your train of thought.

Gee Whiz, we almost made it through the entire day without hearing the blame refrain.

"Your lack of tact is only surpassed by your incredibly lousy sense of timing."

"Blowhard!"

'It may have absolutely zippity to do with do da.''

"I can't be your conscience - you have to develop one of those on your own."

Your ego is only surpassed by your stupidity.

Too many freaks. Not enough circuses.

Honey, I just wanted to say you look wonderful while you scream at me that way.

Does this mean you're about to rage? By the way, would you mind doing something useful while you rage like getting me a beer and a sandwich?

I can't agree with you honey, I'm not delusional.

I have the right to remain silent. Anything I say will be misquoted and used against me.

Do I look like the emotional trash receptacle?

Pardon me but, do you think the shower curtain rod would support my weight?

You know I'm glad you're not schizophrenic. I couldn't handle this in stereo.

Can I have what's behind curtain #1 instead?

Sorry, this is my time to only think happy thoughts like you with laryngitis.

Is this candid camera? You can't be serious Where's the hidden camera? (begin looking)

Didn't you schedule a conference room for this discussion? Why didn't you circulate a memo? What kind of an operation is this?

How 'bout we go on an elevator and cut the cable instead?

As the days go by, I think of how lucky I am...That you're not here to ruin it for me.

I'm thankful for all these little conversations without them I wouldn't know what humility really stands for.

Nope. This is Saturday. My day for abuse this week is Wednesday. (Only use this one when you are sure you'll be out of town on Wednesday)

What's my other choice? Wrestling a crocodile underwater?

If you can imitate Martin Luther King "I have a dream that one day I finally won't have to listen to this crap."

C'mon smile when you rage at me I know you love me I can feel it.

I'd love to stay and listen to you talk about yourself, but I gotta run.

I'm counting on you to give me your creative genius about what to do with all the BS

H and dog missing. Reward for dog.

Email response:
"This is an automated response. You are receiving this because you have sent me an annoying email. To be removed from this list, do not send me any more annoying emails." Keep sending it.

Talk? How about I get out the bamboo shoots and we can stick them under our fingernails as we talk?

You just start your rage and I'll drop in after I finish washing your shirts, ironing your pants and cooking you a seven course meal.

Before you begin, may I adjust your crown?

Is there a caboose to your train of thought?

Tell me again about your accomplishments, I'm out of sleeping pills

All men are idiots and I married their King.

You're actually going to do something. Can I watch?

They told me you weren't dumb enough to lie all the time. I stuck up for you and said you were.

They have marvellous new medications now for that little problem you have with delusions of grandeur.

How about: "since you've already taken me to hell back, ok, what's another stroll"

Okay, you are right again. Listen, could I have a copy of the rules so I'll know the right way to do everything?

During a longwinded lecture: "I want some popcorn to eat with this show, give me a minute to get it in the micro" or

If you need a break I suggest you start with your neck.

Oh, no! Not ANOTHER learning experience!

I'm already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth.

I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you.

How about never? Is never good for you?

I'm really easy to get along with once you people learn to worship me.

It might look like I'm doing nothing, but at the cellular level I'm really quite busy.

You were sent here as a warning to others, weren't you?

Who are you and what have you done with my husband?

Any connection between your reality and mine is purely coincidental.

100,000 sperm and YOU were the fastest?

You're just jealous because the voices are talking to me and not you!

You are depriving some poor village of its IDIOT

Some people are only alive because it is illegal to shoot them.

All men are idiots and I married their king.

Wait...I'm trying to imagine you without a personality disorder.

Well aren't we a bloody ray of sunshine?

Well this day was a total waste of make-up

HOW CAN I MISS YOU IF YOU WON'T GO AWAY?

Thank you. We're all refreshed and challenged by your unique point of view.

I don't know what your problem is, but I'll bet it's hard to pronounce.

Any connection between your reality and mine is purely coincidental.

I'm not being rude. You're just insignificant.

You're beginning to sound reasonable ... Time to up my medication.

Chaos, panic and disorder .. your work here is done.

I'll try being nicer if you'll try being smarter.

Last, but not least..."Oh Shut Up!"